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Saturday, July 7, 2012

Another Time

Over the last few months, dare I say years, I have seemed to find myself not meeting my own potential.  It something that I suppose you could say that is a blessing and a curse.  I always want more from myself, always striving to get myself to be the best at whatever it is that I am doing.  Lately I find myself run down and unable to have that (Sorry for the Rocky reference but,) Eye of the Tiger.  Sometimes I start things with the intention of doing my best, or with a certain goal in mind, however I just don't follow through anymore, I have no drive, no purpose.  It's almost like right now in my life, I'm just flapping in the breeze.  Work has beaten me down to the point where I don't want to succeed in that place.  I don't even have a drive to go out and look for  another job, mostly because I've been fed the BS that I'm apparently not worth anything.  I make bonehead plays and hockey and get really down on myself, but rather than doing what I used to do, practice til I get better (Countless shots, going to open hockey, eating healthy and working out, when I was doing those things I saw a huge jump in my game, now I've kind of leveled off.)  I just whine about how I had a bad game, and next time it will be better.  Relationships with women seem to get me down easily, as if my life depends on it.  I used to do my thing no matter what my relationship status was, now I'm bummed out as if I need to have a girlfriend.

This is what brings me to my idea of........Living in another time.  Have you ever felt that maybe you would be a bigger splash in another time?  Perhaps if you lived earlier in a century you'd be a successful person?  A Game changer?  A leader? I think about this sometimes and I know it's impossible, but I sometimes think that in a different time, people have different views, maybe I would fit in more and people would respect me more for the way I am.

If I were the age I am now in the 80's would I have followed my interest in technology and became a big deal in the computer industry?  Perhaps I'd have created some great software or computer itself and became rich and famous?  Maybe if I followed my music interests I'd have thought of some new styles before anyone else. I'd have been a hit in the night clubs.

Perhaps if I was this age in the 40's I'd have used my hard nose style and managing abilities during the War.  When I have a defined goal and someone pushing me to achieve it I will die before I fail.  Perhaps I'd have been a fast rising soldier in the Army.  Someone who saved many lives, or took many lives, or someone who helped prevent the both of those from happening.  Would I have come home to a girl who missed me and loved me, wrote me letters from home and told me all the things that happened while I was gone?  Returned to a United States that was firing on all cylinders and found a great job and was able to provide for my family?  Would people have looked at me as a war hero?

If I were in the 70's would people shun me for joining the military?  Perhaps I'd be a guy here at home, protesting the war.  Maybe because of this I'd have followed my interests in politics and became a congressman?  Trying to think of creative laws and policies that would help our nation grow, help it keep it's greatness.

Then again there is me now. The current me, living in my current time.  Perhaps if I would have pushed harder in sports, I'd have become a professional athlete.  Maybe if I had applied myself in school more and went to college right out of high school I'd amount to something more than I am now.  Maybe if I didn't choose the hobbies I did as a kid, I wouldn't be as much of an introvert or a loser. If I stuck with my saxophone and other music interests I'd be a musician rather than a C rate player who can play, but not well. Maybe if I didn't screw up countless relationships I wouldn't be single and depressed all the time.  Perhaps I wouldn't be as much of a wussy when I talk to girls I like.  All these are novel ideas, all of these are great purposes that could have ended up in totally different ways.  They are all stories that could have taken me down different paths, maybe I would have ended up a totally different person.  All these statements have one thing in common, the word maybe.  The simple fact of the matter is........I didn't.  I am who I am because of those choices I made, and I'm pretty much stuck with them now, as you can't change the past as much as you want.  You only get one chance at a first impression, it's a bitch to change what someone thinks about you, but you know what?  It can be done......

After getting this out I feel like a Phoenix, rising from the ashes of my former self.  I feel like I can do anything.  I've started working out again and eating health, I've bought training aids to help me practice my hockey skills even when I'm not at the rink.  I've enrolled back in school and plan on following through this time.  My grandfather used to make me do math problems and English work when I was a little kid, he made me do that so that I would grow and use my mind, I'm a smart guy, its just lately I've been so out of things I never apply myself.  I will be more active socially (This blog is an example of that).  I will not let people put me down.  I know I'm a beast when it comes to my work.  I can do the work of multiple people, multitask like a boss, do my bosses job and that's all before lunch.  Clearly I'm valuable, maybe I just need a change of setting and a company that appreciates the quality work that I do. No longer am I going to be a back seat driver in my own life, I'm taking the wheel and for the first time in months I feel empowered, not powerless.  These Root lyrics speak volumes about how I feel now:

"Yeah, and if I'm ever at the crossroads
and start feeling mixed signals like Morse code
My soul start to grow colder than the North Pole
I try to focus on the hole of where the torch goes
In the tradition of these legendary sports pros
As far as I can see, I've made it to the threshold
Lord knows I've waited for this a lifetime
And I'm an icon when I let my light shine
Shine bright as an example of a champion
Taking the advantage, never copping out or cancelling
Burn like a chariot, learn how to carry it
Maverick, always above and beyond average
Fuel to the flame that I train with and travel with
Something in my eyes say I'm so close to having the prize
I realise I'm supposed to reach for the skies
Never let somebody try to tell you otherwise


There's something in your heart
and it's in your eyes
It's the fire, inside you
Let it burn
You don't say good luck
You say don't give up
It's the fire, inside you
Let it burn"




-Russ